Baby Blues and What I Didn't Realize at the Time

OH how I love those squishy thighs!!!

A large majority of mothers out there go through some sort of baby blues, or worse, Postpartum Depression after the birth of a child. I experienced the former of the two in my early stages of motherhood, however, at the time I was so overwhelmed by the experience - by the love that had its hold on me that I felt sure I was doing a pretty sufficient job navigating my way through those delicate first weeks with my emotional well being in tact. Looking back, I may have battled a few bouts of baby blues...

I remember a few days after we brought Aliyah home from the hospital - the home that I had spent so much time cleaning, organizing and preparing for her arrival suddenly felt wrong. I loved being out of the hospital and into our own home, but everything seemed to be a danger. I kept getting these really disturbing mental images of all the ways our house could injure Aliyah. What if I dropped her on the cold, hard floors? What if her head hit the corner of the kitchen counter? What if I tripped up the stairs and I fell on her? The worry haunted my thoughts constantly. Everything had the potential to injure this completely helpless little person in my arms.

I remember carrying her room to room with my hand cupped around her little round head - it was my weak attempt at some sort of protective barrier between her and all the sharp corners and hard surfaces around us. I would never carry her at night without a night light on in case there was something left on the floor that I may accidentally trip over. For weeks I’d blink my eyes and shake my head to try and redirect my thoughts whenever they turned to thinking of how many possible ways she could accidentally get hurt.

I was terrified of inadvertently hurting her - slipping up, making a mistake. It was like my instinctive desire to protective her went into such overdrive that my mind went well past the realistic and reasonable ways in which to prevent her from being harmed and I became obsessed with anything and everything (no matter how small the possibility) that could cause her injury.

And SIDS. oh Gosh, how I’ve feared SIDS. I spent hours reading intensive research studies on it - followed checklists for preventing it to the tee. Checked and rechecked her swaddle, the temperature of the room, all of it. For the first 5 weeks I woke up almost every hour just long enough to put my hand on her chest, make sure she was breathing, and then I’d lay back down again.

I was terrified to fall asleep while nursing her in the middle of the night. More than one time, Tyler woke up in the middle of the night to find me clawing through our covers in a panic. Each time, I was sure I had fallen asleep with Aliyah in my arms and somehow she had been pushed down there (despite my insistence that she always go back in her pack n play at night - where she’d be safe from the threat of heavy blankets)

I would say it’s only been within the last 2 months, maybe even less than that - that I’ve stopped frantically searching for her almost every single time I  would wake up in the middle of the night. I have now let her sleep in the bed with us in the mornings for a few hours (though I toss and turn for quite a bit of it).

I know how blessed my experience as a mother has been. I have a healthy, happy child and an incredibly supportive husband - and how lucky I have been not to have had a lot of the more crippling effects of PPD.

I bask in the beauty of this gift called motherhood. I revel in it, but none of us are without our own struggles, insecurities and fears. I guess I just wanted to share it here - as it took me several months of reflection to really recognize and come to terms with what I experienced. It was an unfamiliar and disorienting experience - but as I find myself better able to mentally reason with those weird fears and anxieties that plagued me after Aliyah was born - I also feel more comfortable sharing them.

For those of you who have experienced true Postpartum Depression, I salute your courage to push forward in spite of it. Only recently has our society even begun to openly accept PPD as a very real illness and something that women need not feel ashamed of. Sharing our experiences and talking openly about what each of us experienced emotionally after the birth of our children is the best step in removing the stigma.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

and guess who is not too happy about the whole idea...

We snapped a classic with tears and screaming, but I thought the look on her face here says it all. This was an impromptu Santa sighting - a test run for when the "Grandmas" and Aliyah have a planned lunch date and Santa trip. Hopefully it will go better the second round...

I'm In the Mood for Food

Such a funny song... when Aliyah was 5 months old we started "practicing" using a spoon. I never read to do this in any baby book or anything like that - she was so interested in what we were eating, one day I put a little water on a spoon and she loved it!

Baby Led Weaning

I found an interesting article today on baby led weaning.

Our plan was to exclusively breastfeed AL (like the new nickname?) until she reached 6 months old - CHECK! Now she has passed the 6 month mark and we have started exploring the world of solid foods. I always figured that I’d start making my own fruit and steamed veggie purees when she was ready (as well as continuing to breastfeed) so I have been frantically searching through the internet and reading my Top 100 Baby Purees to find ideas for this new stage of eating.

So far, she started with mashed banana and then mashed avocado the following week. Both are easy to digest, easy to prepare (no cooking) and full of good nutrients. Tyler and I love eating a variety of foods (Indian, Thai, Greek - we will try it all) and we would love for Aliyah to enjoy these foods with us. Since the two foods she has tried are both considered fruits, I need to get serious on those veggies to expand that palette! - okay - back to the article...

The article above discusses teaching your child about how to eat and grow their palette by giving them larger pieces of food and letting them chew on it, taste it and get acquainted with feeding themselves instead of the parent spoon-feeding them pureed foods. It’s an interesting concept and one I’m going to research further before deciding if it is right for our family.

I did a lot of reading yesterday afternoon... It’s really interesting to hear from moms who have successfully tried it with their own children. It also makes me feel that we need to be healthier eaters ourselves! However, with baby-led weaning, just the thought of Aliyah choking has me over-stressed. Maybe I will try a little mix of purees and table food... we'll see.

I’ll post again on the subject as we get deeper into solids and our experience that comes along with this messy new world. I’m curious if any readers are familiar with this method or have any first hand experience with it?

Game Face

When Mom says it's diaper time, you put your game face on!!!

6 Months

STATS: The day after Thanksgiving my little one turned 6 month old... She’s 26 inches long and weighing in at 17 pounds. I think 9 of those pounds alone are from her super-awesome chunky baby legs. She’s a big one!

Over the holiday weekend she decided to do some pretty amazing things - well, her mom and dad thought so anyway! She has started to sit up by herself, uses tries to use a sippy cup and she had her first solid food: mashed up banana. We knew that she was enjoying herself because after every bite she would look up at us and flash that very big toothless grin. Everything on the spoon made it to her tummy. What can I say, the girl likes to eat!

I’m certain her stat updates aren't all that interesting to anyone except for our family - but it feels good to know our little girl is growing right on schedule. And now to my sweet, sweet 6 month old baby girl...

Thanksgiving 2010

My Peaceful Dove,

Where have the months gone? How has half a year passed already since we first laid eyes on one another? I doubt you remember our first hour together, but I will never ever forget it. You were merely seconds old when I first wrapped my arms around you and in that instance, you became the anchor for my soul. I laid down my roots in your bright eyes. I ran my fingers across the tiny version of your father’s ears. In those first minutes, I promised to protect you with the fierceness of a lion and the vigilance of a mighty army.

You have always been that thing I needed, that missing reason, the source of my courage.

We celebrate your first six months with joyful hearts. We celebrate our first half year as your parents with grateful prayer. We thank the good Lord daily for our new found courage, fierceness, dedication, and our ability to love all we’ve been given more than we ever imagined.

Our new family motto is “Love, love here we are” and I feel like you are the tangible meaning of those words. Here we are in your small hands. Here we are in your morning laughter. Love, Love here we are, over and over again.

my whole heart,
mama

The Family Bed

Tyler caught us napping one afternoon

When Aliyah was very young and sleeping in our room every night, I joked with Tyler that I felt like a 1950’s sitcom couple - except instead of twin beds we just had a cooing or crying baby barrier between us when she would wake up in the middle of the night hungry.

Eventually, Aliyah transitioned from the pack-n-play in our room to the crib in her room. I was glad to get my old ritual back with Tyler at bedtime but I missed that sleeping girl I’d grown accustomed to.

Now, every morning around 4:30am, Ali wakes up and Tyler brings her into our room. She spends the last three or four hours sleeping between us - most often completely horizontal so that her feet are in my face and her head is in the side of Tyler's ribcage. I don’t sleep as soundly as I do when it’s just the two of us, but I love having her there. It’s what works for us - falling asleep as a couple and waking up as parents - the best of both worlds.

Lately, Aliyah has been waking us up with funniest baby chatter - she’ll give us an entire speech, complete with facial expressions and hand motions with a flood of syllables and squeals. She is either telling us about a crazy dream she had or trying to convince us to go all-in on some grand scheme. Even though I don’t have a clue what she’s saying, she’s very convincing.

She’s also taken to silently and stealthily waking me by shoving her tiny, chubby pointer finger directly up my left nostril. Or by attempting to french kiss my eye socket. Or wrapping a good chunk of my hair doubly around her hand and then giving a hard yank. It’s a startling way to wake up - but the minute my eyes open she greets me with the most ridiculously wide mouth smile and bright eyes. It’s such a familiar look (a tiny replica of Tyler’s eyes) that I can’t be annoyed and usually find myself pulling her close to snuggle.

I wish I knew her thought process as she decides on her wake-up method of choice each morning. I seriously don’t even know why I set an alarm clock anymore when I’ve got an extremely effective, albeit sometimes painful (and painfully cute) alternative.

Makes for a good morning, indeed.