Baby Blues and What I Didn't Realize at the Time

OH how I love those squishy thighs!!!

A large majority of mothers out there go through some sort of baby blues, or worse, Postpartum Depression after the birth of a child. I experienced the former of the two in my early stages of motherhood, however, at the time I was so overwhelmed by the experience - by the love that had its hold on me that I felt sure I was doing a pretty sufficient job navigating my way through those delicate first weeks with my emotional well being in tact. Looking back, I may have battled a few bouts of baby blues...

I remember a few days after we brought Aliyah home from the hospital - the home that I had spent so much time cleaning, organizing and preparing for her arrival suddenly felt wrong. I loved being out of the hospital and into our own home, but everything seemed to be a danger. I kept getting these really disturbing mental images of all the ways our house could injure Aliyah. What if I dropped her on the cold, hard floors? What if her head hit the corner of the kitchen counter? What if I tripped up the stairs and I fell on her? The worry haunted my thoughts constantly. Everything had the potential to injure this completely helpless little person in my arms.

I remember carrying her room to room with my hand cupped around her little round head - it was my weak attempt at some sort of protective barrier between her and all the sharp corners and hard surfaces around us. I would never carry her at night without a night light on in case there was something left on the floor that I may accidentally trip over. For weeks I’d blink my eyes and shake my head to try and redirect my thoughts whenever they turned to thinking of how many possible ways she could accidentally get hurt.

I was terrified of inadvertently hurting her - slipping up, making a mistake. It was like my instinctive desire to protective her went into such overdrive that my mind went well past the realistic and reasonable ways in which to prevent her from being harmed and I became obsessed with anything and everything (no matter how small the possibility) that could cause her injury.

And SIDS. oh Gosh, how I’ve feared SIDS. I spent hours reading intensive research studies on it - followed checklists for preventing it to the tee. Checked and rechecked her swaddle, the temperature of the room, all of it. For the first 5 weeks I woke up almost every hour just long enough to put my hand on her chest, make sure she was breathing, and then I’d lay back down again.

I was terrified to fall asleep while nursing her in the middle of the night. More than one time, Tyler woke up in the middle of the night to find me clawing through our covers in a panic. Each time, I was sure I had fallen asleep with Aliyah in my arms and somehow she had been pushed down there (despite my insistence that she always go back in her pack n play at night - where she’d be safe from the threat of heavy blankets)

I would say it’s only been within the last 2 months, maybe even less than that - that I’ve stopped frantically searching for her almost every single time I  would wake up in the middle of the night. I have now let her sleep in the bed with us in the mornings for a few hours (though I toss and turn for quite a bit of it).

I know how blessed my experience as a mother has been. I have a healthy, happy child and an incredibly supportive husband - and how lucky I have been not to have had a lot of the more crippling effects of PPD.

I bask in the beauty of this gift called motherhood. I revel in it, but none of us are without our own struggles, insecurities and fears. I guess I just wanted to share it here - as it took me several months of reflection to really recognize and come to terms with what I experienced. It was an unfamiliar and disorienting experience - but as I find myself better able to mentally reason with those weird fears and anxieties that plagued me after Aliyah was born - I also feel more comfortable sharing them.

For those of you who have experienced true Postpartum Depression, I salute your courage to push forward in spite of it. Only recently has our society even begun to openly accept PPD as a very real illness and something that women need not feel ashamed of. Sharing our experiences and talking openly about what each of us experienced emotionally after the birth of our children is the best step in removing the stigma.