ONE

And then she was one.

How did we get here so fast?

I’ve started this letter to you a dozen times already. Each time, deleting my words and trying again. I keep searching for words that don’t exist in this language or perhaps any language. What I need to tell you can only be felt. experienced. and so I’m really struggling to get this down.

You came into our lives two weeks past your due date; your labor consistently and steadily intensified throughout the day and in a blink you were there in our arms. With each passing day, each month since you arrived we have fallen, or better yet, risen more deeply in love with you. We are better versions of ourselves. Better parents to you. Better partners to each other. Better people to the world. Because of the love you’ve poured over us.

It was 5am (24 hours before you were actually born). I sat up in bed staring wide eyed at your father as the realization sunk in that you were on your way. The day we had planned (over) 9 months for was finally here. I went into your room that night before we left for the hospital and leaned against the cool wood of your crib and cried. I was scared and excited and overwhelmed with what was waiting for us that early morning.

Giving birth to you, in many ways felt like a battle. I fought against myself and for myself. Against you and for you. And looking back on it now, I realize that it was so physical, so emotional, so painful and pure because in those early hours of your birth-day, the old me was leaving. She was saying her goodbyes. And rushing in like a bull, in the midst of my sweat and determination was a new woman. A completely changed, determined, madly in love woman. I became her in that moment you were laid down upon my skin.

Thank you for making me new.

This is our anniversary, Aliyah Jacquelyn. Your first year of life. Twelve months of giving us laughter and love and sleepless nights and proud milestones. And this is my first full year as this better woman. I made mistakes but learned what you needed and when you needed it and how to rock you just right and what to say to get you to smile and a thousand other little things along the way.

Your father and I have loved every single second that has passed sinced your birth. We marvel in the joy that is you daily. You're are our first born. Our sweet baby dove. The one who changed everything.

Happy first birthday Aliyah Jacquelyn!

love, mama